DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD sex with my best friend – a guy – even though he has a girlfriend. I think he’d like us to keep on having sex but my feelings are all over the place.
We were friends at school from when we were 15 but grew really close a couple of years ago when I lost my job and my confidence, just as I was hoping to train for management roles.
I had sex with my best friend but he has a girlfriend and I don’t know what to do.
He was really supportive and encouraged me to go for my career dream, to be a nurse.
We’re both 22 now and I’m starting my nursing degree this month. He has lots of problems with his girlfriend and I’d listen while he poured out his troubles. We were good for one another.
I was thrilled when I heard I’d got a place to study and I texted him to meet me to celebrate. We had loads to drink then went clubbing.
We were all over each other when we were dancing and it just felt right that he came home with me and we had sex — really loving sex. But he has a girlfriend he’s been with for nearly three years so he couldn’t stay the night.
He told me that there is no reason why we can’t have sex again as long as no one finds out.
He kissed me goodbye before he left and said, “You’re amazing, the best,” but he texted the next morning asking me not to tell anyone, and saying he felt guilty because of his girlfriend.
I didn’t hear from him for a week after that but then he texted that we needed to talk.
We met in town and he said he had always liked me loads but didn’t say anything for fear of rejection. I told him I haven’t liked to tell him about the feelings I have for him for the same reason.
He kept referring back to our having sex and saying how brilliant and special it was.
I don’t want to lose him as a friend but I also don’t want to be used for sex.
He said there was no reason we shouldn’t do it again, but he didn’t say anything about his girlfriend, such as that he might break up with her. I think he’s hoping we could be Friends With Benefits.
So I’m left feeling conflicted. I don’t want to lose him as a friend because he has been so supportive, but I don’t want to feel used for sex when I care so deeply for him. What should I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him that he is special to you, too special a friend to bring sex casually into the mix.
Say you believe that the two of you have what it takes to make a relationship work between you but you know you deserve better than to be his booty call.
If he wants to stay with his girlfriend, in spite of all the problems they are having, that’s his choice but you will be strictly friends – no benefits.
Give him a set amount of time to decide, but whatever he promises, don’t have sex with him again until he has definitely already broken up with his girlfriend.